To the New Father

So the baby is born! As George Bush once said, "Mission Accomplished!" That was really the most difficult part. As I recall it's was pretty much a walk in the park from here. Baby comes home, you giggle, cuddle, and nap together. Once in a while they cry. True. Usually when they're not asleep, which is about 12 hours a day. But it's a soothing cry. They're not really upset at all. They just kind of coo at you in this outraged glass-breaking voice while waves of panicked heat radiate up your spine and into your brain.

So, you run around in a frenzy, going through the mental checklist: What Could Be Wrong With Baby?
Diaper
Bottle
Burp
Rock them
Walk them

Something else? In your exhaustion you often forget an item on the checklist and wind up making things worse. When the situation is finally resolved you look at your spouse and the two of you break into gales of laughter and it's like the end of a sitcom episode (credits, applause, fade out) except the next episode has already begun.

So, you find coping mechanisms, which is fun, too. For instance, I got a calendar and started marking off each of the 6,570 days that would elapse before Jonathan turned 18. That got depressing after awhile, so I turned to sullen disenchantment. This felt better for me, although my wife didn't enjoy it. We had an argument at about six weeks that went something like this.

Wife: "You're not a good father."
Me (wiping face): "Yes? Why not? I change diapers, I bottle feed, I stroll the baby, I clean up the vomit."
Wife (thinking): "Yes, but you're not enjoying it!

But...but...something happens. That baby becomes the most fascinating, the cutest thing in the whole world and pretty soon, almost before you know it (almost but not quite) you're actually rather proud of the vomit stains on your shirt, you're actually okay with leaving the house having forgotten to shower, and you can't wait to get home and see them again, you can't wait to start the madness. Rock stars might have exciting lives but it's nothing compared to parenthood.