Engelbert Humperdink

Man, that Engelmbert Humperdink musta been one unhappy motherfucker in middle school. Don't ya think?

I love my dog very much, but I am unhappy with her current passion for licking her crotch. I can't expect her not to lick her crotch, she's a fucking dog... that's what dogs do. But like me, my dog takes everything to the extreme, strives beyond excess... this urgent, rhythmic, desperate licking, her back bent beyond its limitations, a slurp that sounds like a glug, but muffled, over and over and over again while I wonder to what end... is it menstrual, a yeasty adventure, fantasy filled? And she only does it when she is happy and comfortable and around me... ahh... life is good, well fed, recently walked, pretty day, quiet house, close to the Alpha dude, it's time... time to lick my doggie coochie, yeah...

God, there are times when I can't take it... I look down and yelp or slam my heels on my desk or throw a paperback at her...

Maybe it's just jealousy...

And again, it's not that she does it period... or even the duration... or frequency... it's the god-damned passion... how it becomes a life or death thing

fucking dog.