Emotions

Imagine my surprise to find out I was an emotional perfectionist. I never would've seen that coming. I always knew that emotions such as anger, or fear, or sadness, were unpleasant to me, but I didn't realize the level to which I had suppressed these feelings as a means of being "saved" or "sane" (in the world of my upbringing Christian salvation and sanity were conflated with one another). Since I really believed that salvation or sanity depended upon my not feeling these emotions -- that is, that if I did feel these emotions it must have meant there was some flaw in me, some part of the system which I was applying incorrectly, I spent lots of time and effort not feeling angry, upset, sorrowful, scared, etc. Once in a while these emotions would erupt -- but for the most part I kept them "successfully" repressed.

This emotional perfectionism led me to distance mentally from any real-world cause of distress. For instance, if I felt anxious, I would attribute this to some dietary change, some subtle imbalance in chemistry brought about by the over-or-under-application of a supplement or medicine. Sometimes I would blame my family, or someone around me, as if they were projecting the unwanted feeling on me.

The people whom I resented were invariably the people who represented my experience of one or more of these unwanted feelings. Rather than deal with the issues, I would avoid the people -- or control them in such a way as to ensure that they didn't ask me to experience anything negative.

As I said before, once in a while I would have some cathartic experience which left me feeling relaxed and happily empty -- but these experiences were accidental, and sporadic. It makes sense to me now that this model is not integrative at all. My behaviors of avoidance and control make sense to me. My search for external validation and valuation make sense. Not that I am endorsing them, but that I better understand the motivation.

I am changing my goals from the model above to a goal of integration. That means I am going to begin rewarding myself based on internal valuation and will reward myself for the successful experience of emotions -- the whole palate. One last thought in this ramble; it makes sense now that when I would travel for business I would feel so fulfilled. Unable to control my environment, I was also unable to keep the "bad" feelings at bay -- and consequently, at the end of the day or at the end of my trip I would feel relaxed and happy. I had been forced by circumstances to integrate, and it felt good.

I guess that's where the seventh step comes in. I can ask my higher power to help change my intolerance of "shadow" feelings, and allow me to better feel and integrate these emotions.