I'm Getting It

So, my good doctor, you are now working with me on my anger -- and yesterday I was disconcerted because you didn't affirm me the way I wanted to be affirmed. You remained passive when I wanted you to leap out of your chair and declare me healed. Yes, I wanted you to be an external validation point in this journey of mine.

So, I think I get how internal and external validations fit together. First, let me list the external validations I came up with:

External		How do I value myself currently?
Achievement		Ability to succeed in an occupation that is outwardly challenging and commands respect, and that causes more anxiety and pain than the occupations of others.
Family		Putting in time doing family things like mowing lawn, cleaning, watching kid. Performing acts that I anticipate others want me to peform, and that I find difficult
Financial Freedom		Making over 100k
Productivity		ability to compulsively deliver "products" on very little rest. Work, home, writing
Security		Approval of family and work, no challenges, mental control, no anxieties or anger, no sadness, no thoughts I don't want to have
Health		No negative feelings no blood sugar issues no gerd, no anxiety
Time freedom		Never mention my need for free time
Reliability		Emotional perfection -- no anxiety/anger, no fear, no doubt, no pain

So looking at the list above, I was prompted to think about my anger, and where that might come from. Obviously the list above is pretty rigid -- and it really comes down to my need to manipulate/control the reactions of others to always fill me up with positive validation. But it doesn't stop there, of course. I also need to manipulate the rest of the world, too -- other drivers, the weather, the functioning of my own mind -- in order to have a successful day. Seeing and thinking about this led me to consider my 4th step inventory, where I listed a number of different figures and situations in my past, and then tried to describe the self-defeating belief (SBD) that came from those figures and situations. I'l list that table here with some names redacted:

Person	Events that caused the feelings	Feelings still harbored	Beliefs that support these feelings (all external values for the most part)
Stepfather	Abuse and belittling throughout my childhood. Specifically spanking with kite rod, and interrogation techniques revolving around rhetorical questions	Fear, shame, hatred (him and me), rage	1. You must be perfect and never have bad feelings or behavior 2. You must never be angry or you will probably lose your sanity 3. The world will judge you harshly so you had better be perfect. 4. You are a powerless victim who can’t protect or defend yourself
Wife	Our fights, her chronic discontentment	Sadness, shame, feelings of failure	5. Other people can’t be trusted, they will hurt you if they can 6. If other people are disappointed in you they will destroy you 7. It is your responsibility to protect yourself by controlling the feelings of others. Nobody else is allowed to feel bad
Mom	Her failure to protect me. Her failure to listen to me. She never listened to what I had to say, and I was afraid to tell her	Sadness, loneliness, isolation	8. It’s not okay to have feelings because nobody will listen to you and it only annoys them and drives them away.
God	Didn’t protect me from stepfather or that crazy church. Let me be an addict and alcoholic	Sadness, loneliness, powerlessness, rage	9. Even God doesn’t like me, because he’s a judgmental prick 10. The world (God) owes me complete satisfaction for the things I suffered in my childhood. If I don’t get complete satisfaction it makes me angry
Brother	Became a second parent and always criticized me, relentlessly	Rage, loneliness, shame, sorrow	11. Even those closest to you still think there’s something wrong or defective about you.
Church	Talk of demons, hell, sin, god’s judgment, man’s unworthiness,	Fear, shame, sorrow	12. You are a danger to yourself because you have the debil in you 13. You must be careful around others because their feelings will contaminate you 14. Sanity and salvation are the same thing. Sanity and dark emotions are incompatible because you may open yourself up to eternal disconnection from God

Looking at this inventory, and cross-referencing it against the SBDs above, I think I can begin to see where my anger comes from. Not only am I asking myself to be perfect, in order to remain sane, but I am also asking the world to never test me, and to never thwart my desires. Of course all this is asking the impossible. It's very helpful to see that.

I don't know where it goes from here, but I feel hopeful, and not too angry today. As you pointed out, anger can also be very tiring -- but feeling it beats the alternative, because when I don't feel it, I can't even begin to see where my valuations and beliefs have strayed off course.