Working On My Grip

Interesting post there, Bill... I have to admit it never crossed my mind before... I've never once stopped what I was doing, ran my fingers across my chin and thought, "hmm... I wonder if Jesus ever choked the chicken..."

My response would be, "of course..."

I've struggled with the Jesus thing my whole life, especially the last five and a quarter years. I had no problem with the higher power (though handing my life, will, management, control, sanity, grace, peace, serenity etc. took some time), but I've always taken issue with this Jesus dude.

Here's what I believe - I believe he existed. He was probably really weird, probably got beat up a lot as a kid because he was always so kind to people. At some point, people started paying attention to what he had to say, and his miracles were the result of lots of people together thinking about being kind, loving people, based on what he was teaching them. I don't believe he turned water into wine, walked on water, healed the crippled (though there's something to be said there about the healing power of reaching out in kindness to the sick, etc.), or rose from the dead.

I think he really did exist, and he was a way nice guy, and therefore the people in power got scared so they killed him. I also believe that he knew it was coming, had every chance to run away, or even sell out, but he chose to stick around and that he truly did die for everyone around him, and for everyone in generations to come who remember his kindness, etc.

But that's about it for me. That's as far as I go. I don't believe he was the son of God, though his actions sure made him act like someone who could have been the son of God. But I'd like to see the birth certificate.

Isn't it funny how I can just type that out loud right here in this blog without fear of imprisonment and torture? Can you imagine?

And you, you heretic... you'd have had your balls cut off and stuffed in your mouth for suggesting that Jesus gave in to such wickedness.

I've struggled with this Jesus thing for a very long time, since most any church you go into nowadays is going to hit you over the head in some way with the Jesus stuff. And I just don't buy it. For the most part, I can buy the message, the parables that all boil down to say, hey... just be kind and love each other (or, how JB said, and I love when he speaks... just don't be ugly... gawd, what a simple way to live that is... I may try it some day)

So, yes. I do think Jesus spanked the monkey, probably just as much as the rest of us. And I think while Mary Magdalene was washing his feet, she probably slid a soapy hand along his inner thigh and gave him some relief in the late-night hours. And he probably thanked her or maybe kissed her deeply, or maybe fucked the living shit out of her... Does that make him any less of a kind, beautiful person? I don't think so. He was probably a very unselfish lover, I would imagine.

I read the stories about St. Francis, and I think of him as another Jesus Christ. In the realm of social acceptability, there was something wrong with those guys. They didn't think or respond like normal people. They focused one-hundred percent on kindness, reaching out to others.

Oh... the post title... I was hitting golf balls this morning, working on my grip, that kind of grip. I don't masturbate. Never have. That shit's for weak-ass sinners and dang queer freaks. Pay no attention to my rock-solid forearm muscles.